things you should know about your marriage and emotional intelligence

Things You Must Know About Your Marriage and Your Emotional Intelligence


The ability to manage our emotions and feeling is very crucial, nevertheless, so is our ability to understand and interpret the emotions of others. Could you picture a world where you cannot understand when a friend, a spouse, a sibling, a parent, or a co-worker is depressed, sad or angry ? so how could emotional intelligence help with that ?

Psychologists refer to this ability as emotional intelligence and some experts even suggest that it can be more important than IQ. While IQ proves your smartness and determines 15% of your success, emotional intelligence determines 85% of your success. Since 1990, Peter Salovey and John D Mayer have been the leading researchers on emotional intelligence.



They proposed a model which identified four different factors of emotional intelligence namely;

  1. Emotional Perception,
  2. Emotional Reasoning,
  3. Emotional Understanding,
  4. Emotional Management.

All the factors above enhance the smooth sailing of Marriage. This is to point out that marriage and emotional intelligence are like inseparable twin. Since, emotions are defined as, “A positive or negative experience that is associated with a particular pattern of physiological activity that produces different physiological, behavioral and cognitive behaviors”. The more couples are able to master these four factors mentioned above, the less room they create for chaotic clashes.

Allah has made it clear to the believing men that women are more emotionally vulnerable, sensitive, responsive, and tender.

Women are emotional creatures, one minute she could be all happy and sweet and the next, she looks pale and unhappy. So, it is up to a husband to be able to put up with such mood swings and try to tackle the problem.

Some of the reasons for failed marriages today include:

  • Man’s will to show superiority over women
  • Egoistic behavior
  • Disobedience to the commandment of Allah
  • Negligence
  • Ingratitude
  • Arrogance
  • Impatience
  • Lack of self-control

These, among many others clogs one’s emotional intelligence. Hence, this is a show of arrogance to Allah. And Allah said in Qur’an:

And your Lord says: ‘Call on Me; I will answer your (Prayer): but those who are too arrogant to serve Me will surely find themselves in Hell – in humiliation’

(Surah Al-Ghafir, Verse No. 60)

A man returns home from work and suddenly observes the floor is unusually becoming too sticky due to oil stains. He gets furious and tries to correct his wife but puts it in a harsh manner. Consequently, he gets a negative response or reaction from her. This is not because she intentionally intends to get picky or offended, but because she is more emotional.

Spouse should reconsider !

Thus, it is now left for the man to reconsider and apologize for his wrong choice of word or mannerism, then look for a more subtle word or expression to pass his message across. This shows his emotional intelligence – his emotional reasoning on one hand, which is what made him prioritize what to pay attention and react to amidst other observation he made upon his return; his emotional management on the other hand, proving his ability to feel an emotion (irritated and furious) without having to act upon it.

Allah has also commanded the believing women to respect their husband and control their tongue.

In any case , women should be soft, lenient understanding and know how to approach or talk to their husbands, when tired, needy, jealous, broken, angry and so on, because everyone has emotions and the husband isn’t an exception. So wives should be very considerate as this gradually sums up to create a lasting impression about them.

Never forget that your relationship with your spouse is an emotional battle 24/7. So, the way you handle your emotions decides the happiness quotient in your married life.

In terms of tolerance and perseverance, these are some of the


  • Ability to understand the emotions of your spouse from his/her view
  • Capacity to make your spouse understand your emotions from your viewpoint
  • Your skills to channel your emotions in the right way to make your spouse happy and contented in your relationship
  • Your gift to realize that your spouse is an individual. So, you accept him/her for what he/she is

For an emotionally unintelligent person:

  • You never understand the emotional need of your spouse which makes you unhappy and miserable

Your inability to convey your emotional needs to your spouse which makes you angry and get frustrated and depressed

Emotional intelligence is two sided and must be used positively. The couple’s inability to understand this is partially the reason for domestic violence. A man is not supposed to beat his wife, doing so is a sign of his physical strength but emotional weakness and inability to positively use his emotional intelligence. This happens when he lets his emotions override his intelligence.

Prophet Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him) is the perfect example for Muslims, as He is the best in character and manners.

It was narrated that Aisah (R.A) said that,

“The messenger of Allah never beat his servants, or wives, and his hand never hit anything” (Sunnah Ibn Maja)


  1. Don’t interrupt or change the subject
  2. Don’t judge or edit your feelings or your spouse’s
  3. See if you can find connection between your feelings and check if other times you must have felt the same way
  4. Connect your feelings with your thoughts
  5. Listen to your body and your spouse’s body language
  6. If you don’t know how you are feeling ask someone else
  7. Tune into your unconscious feelings
  8. Ask yourself, ‘How do I feel today?’
  9. Write down your thoughts and feelings
  10. Know when enough is enough

Marriage is a place of work where you are given a long term appointment. It is up to you to keep your job or lose it. To develop emotional intelligence we need to practice enlarging our inner passion at every moment. It doesn’t matter what is going on in our world or even how we feel within ourselves at every moment. In fact, the best we accomplish something is when we least feel like trying because the hopeless part of our lives need the light.

Finally, the way you approach yourself !

Finally, the way you approach yourselves when you need money, when you are tired, need his attention, want to complain about something he did wrong or the way you generally respond to his flaws gradually sums up to creating a lasting impression about you and says a lot about your emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is two sided and must be used positively. A pious wife is keeper not breaker. A pious husband builds the home not collapse it. As a woman, the way you treat your husband reflects in his attitude in public. From his boost of self-esteem to his successful day at work. As a man, the way you handle your wife also reflects in her face and her general comportment in public.

All these are due to how peaceful your inward coexistence has been as a couple.  

Ability to practice the tenets of the religion of Islam (peace) to overpower impending chaos, ability to agree to disagreement, ability to master positively;

your emotional intelligence helps save your marriage!


Written by

Hadizat Sule

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May Allah SWT bless all Muslim brothers and sisters with happiness in their family life!


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