IN SEARCH OF A PROPOSAL

QUESTION:

Is this correct if we disown our children? The details are, a person is keeping his daughters from getting married. He rejected all the proposals that came to see the girls due to the mere reason that they don’t belong to our nation. one girl break the tradition of being silent she spoke to her father why are you destroying our future? We get many proposals but you rejected on the basis of this national issue. Will you keep us like that for the whole life? On hearing this father was got very angry and replied that I will never get you married among the other nation. He asked his daughters that promise me and take an oath on keeping your hands on the Quran that you will not be married in the other nation. In their nation, there is no age-appropriate proposal available so he ordered his daughters that if you want to get married then you can have younger guys of your nation. Better to get killed than getting married in other nation. Any proposal he gets, he has the same reason to deny, he scolds his daughters and calls them by bad names. Sometimes he said them why do you wait for the proposals? Will you starve at your home? Daughters are too irritated that they started back answering. So father has stopped talking to them while living in the same place. Sometimes he called them bad names and takes out his frustration.

Now in this situation, what should these girls do? This prejudice is not only bounded to this house but to many houses. Parents have kept their daughters and do not get them married just because of the same reason of tribe or nation. Please throw light on this issue with an explanation. (a daughter)

ANSWER:

I am sad about this question. The story you write to me is unbelievable that in a Muslim society a Muslim father can have manifest such behavior.

Heartaches when we hear about the parent’s depression on the marital affair but this is all their crafted depression undoubtedly. If we look at the teachings of the beloved messenger then we will never face any trouble in this regard. According to  Syedi Murshidi Hazrat Aqdas Mufti Rasheed Ahmed Sirah,  the order which was the easiest of all in Islam, Muslims made it the most difficult one. Like all the other daily routine activities, Messenger ‘s teachings are clear in marital affairs too. He said that:

“There are four reasons to choose a lady for the marriage for his wealth, for her family background, for her beauty or for her piousness. And most appropriate is to choose her on account of her piousness.”

 

This is a very clear explanation that there can be various criteria when you search a proposal but the instruction from messenger is wealth and heritage, family status, beauty these must be compromised if piousness comes in the account. A girl has all the criteria but not the piousness then you should avail the opportunity of choosing a girl who does fear Allah, no matter if she is less in other criteria.

In searching for a groom same pattern should be followed. If you are looking for a man then instead of looking for his family background or tribe or nation, personal beauty one should look for the good behavior and righteousness.

Therefore the Messenger said:

“ If a person sends a proposal towards you with whom you feel satisfied for his righteousness and good behavior then nikah must be done. If you deny doing this (on finding the right proposal) then there will be chaos on earth.”

 

The scenario among the Muslims today proves this statement. Muslims are after money or wealth, family ties, status, and their symbols or family history instead of looking for the piousness, they made the easy sunnah of nikah the most difficult one. Among them, the majority are those who keep their daughter waiting for the proposal. Most of them got old enough for the marriage. Meanwhile, the incidents that took place is far beyond mentioning. Some people got their daughter married to those who are unrighteous or mismatched, they are suffering from the bitter lives. Due to the conflicts, divorce cases are routine to hear. Moreover, the cases of suicides are taking place too.

 

This all result in the chaos and fights on the earth.

The religious solution for the parents is one that if they find the kufu right proposal they got their daughters married without any haste. The meaning of kufu is the guy is equal to or more than a girl’s family background, occupation, financial status or piousness. If such a proposal is available then parents should not delay in the nikah.

The messenger said that:

“Ali! Don’t delay three things,

1: prayer, when it is the earliest time you have

2: cremation, when the dead body is ready.

3: the marriage of a woman, when she gets the kufu.

In short, the criteria for the marriage is piety or righteousness rather than nation or tribe. So if you get a proposal who is among your nation and the pious one then it is the best option. But if you get who is pious but outside the family or nation then prioritize him. If you get two proposals simultaneously, one is pious the other is not then it is important to prefer the one who is pious regardless if he is from the same nation or not whether he is with the same status or not(having kufu). The proposal who is not pious but within the family ties getting your priority then it is like ignoring the facts of religion. And keeping the young girls waiting for the proposal that would come from the same nation whereas you have the pious proposals but outside the family ties, then you are not only neglecting the teachings of your religion but setting an ugly example of enmity with your children. May Allah give wisdom to such parents.

In the question there is an explanation of helpless daughters, we will suggest if the grandfather is alive he may come forward and get them married with the pious man regardless of the family ties or nation.  If grandfather is not there then an uncle or a brother can do so. A father disowns his daughters is cruelty. Keeping your children from not obeying the sunnah of nikah and disown them, he should be sorry for these activities. Daughters should respect their father too. Quran ordered us to be kind to the mushrik parents. Muslim parents are however much more deserving of the respect. In the end, a writing by Sheikh ul Islam Hazrat Moulana Mufti Muhammad Taqi Usmani  is mentioning here:

In the regard of marital affairs, people are still tied up with the self-analyzed thoughts that they ignore all the facts of Islamic teachings and irrelevance of it are so familiar. I can see because people bring questionnaire to know about the teachings of Islam. A lady wrote to me from America. She writes that her father is very educated and billionaire there and he does not want any of his daughter to get married in a different family. I  am the eldest one and in the beginning, I got several proposals but my father rejected everyone on the basis of the fact that they all belong to some other family so it is not acceptable for him till I got old enough not to be asked by anyone. One day father told me that it is impossible for him to find any relevant proposal for me in the family so I must take an oath that I will not get married for the rest of my life. I am a wealthy person I can afford you but it is not acceptable for me to get you married in any family. She said that my father compelled me so that I accept this condition. Eventually, I made up my mind that in the respect of my father’s will I won’t get married. But my younger sister brother and my mother were not convinced. One person was still agreed in marrying me whom father had forcefully denied when he sends a  proposal to me. My siblings talked to him tried to convince my father. Father said that after this I will not be in contact with her. My sister hid this from me and just told me that father is not happy but convinced. Therefore, I got married and came to America with my husband. Now I got to know that my father has been disconnected to me. He neither wants to talk to me on phone nor he accepts me as his daughter.

This incident is severe. But the condition of kufu is not so that if you don’t find a good match then take an oath not to get married. It does not mean that marry only one that is from your family and if you get a proposal outside the family then you said it’s not in accordance of kufu …every person that is equal to the girl’s family status, piousness and occupation is her kufu.. It means being kufu does not mean that a person should be from the same family. If a person comes from the other family but can be denoted as equal to the girl’s status then it becomes her kufu. Not outside the kufu.

 

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