When we find our Spouse for the sake of Allah, everything is great. He/She prays five times a day(bonus if it’s in jamaah for a he), knows a few Juzz of Quran, fasts regularly, leads the prayer if he/she has time, gives Islamic speeches from time to time, gives sadaqah regularly, helps fellow brothers and sisters and what not. You are grateful to Allah for finding you such a perfect spouse. When you are finally married, you are full of “Love yous” and “Love you mores”. When they point out some drawback, you rush to correct it because you don’t know the person yet. Whatever they say, you believe it is to take you close to Allah. So it’s all great and likewise, I found my prince too.
Love you more
With every “Love you” he said, I would say “Love you more”. With every drawback he pointed out, I corrected. Then time passed and I got to know him. He is still the same person but beyond all the goodness, there are flaws too, for nobody is flawless. So I stopped taking him so serious because he is not Mr. Perfect. With time passing by, the “love you mores” seemed a bit lame now, but my husband wouldn’t let go. He would repeat love you until I say love you more. So first I did it alright and then it felt like he was nagging. Few weeks after, it felt like he was feeding his ego. You see he was putting his mighty love on display and I was not returning it. I would stay quite after his “Love yous” without returning it just to spite him.
So I told him how I felt. I also pointed out that love is about giving without expecting back and you should be okay with me not saying it too.
“You are placing your expectations in me”, I said.
After I said it I was really relieved. You see I have taught him what unconditional love is. My husband heard this patiently, and he said something brief. He said that for every time I say I love you, Allah is rewarding me because I married you for the sake of Allah. Every time you say love you more, you will get rewarded too. Since we have to reach jannah, I can’t get the rewards alone. Okay, as romantic as this sound, my first reaction was “Yeah, right”. It sounded thoroughly superficial. Leave it to an irritated wife to grudge over a “Love you” and leave it to a smitten wife to swoon over the extra helping your husband takes in food (Subhanallah, he loves my cooking so much) but I kept quiet.
After some time, this got me thinking again. Okay, so what if he is being superficial? What he said was not in one percent false. Even if his intention is not as pure as he states, what he said may actually earn me rewards. Then I realized I was judging him for the sole reason he is not perfect. I was thinking he was feeding his ego, while in reality I was feeding mine (by withholding my “love you mores”). This is where shaitaan easily lets us astray my dear brothers and sisters. We poke our thoughts and push our expectations into our spouses just because we know them.
Loving your Spouse
We trust our spouse (I trusted you, how could you break it!!!!!), instead of trusting Allah (Subhana wa ta’ala). We expect from our spouse, instead of expecting from Allah (Subhana wa ta’ala). So what if they are checking on you? What if they seem to point out your flaws? What if their intentions are not pure? If it means improving ourselves for the sake of Allah, what difference do these small things make? They are answerable to Allah and only Allah knows their intentions. So instead of predicting our spouse’s motive and intention, we must put our trust in Allah. For if your love varies based on your spouse’s intention, then is your real intention to please Allah? Or your spouse? Or worse yourself?
So my dear brothers and sisters put your trust in Allah (Subhana wa ta’ala). Beware if you are not accepting your spouse’s excuses, you are implying that they are lying and if they are sincere, the loss is yours. As the hadith clearly states:
The Messenger of Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said:
“When someone offers an excuse to his fellow Muslim and the latter does not accept it, his sin is like the crime of imposing taxes.” [Ibn Majah]
To reject someone’s excuse is basically to accuse him/her of lying. Before you assume that someone is lying, think about how sinful you will be if they are not lying while you accuse them of it. If they are lying, while you give them the benefit of the doubt, you get your reward for following the Sunnah, while they will have to face their accountability before Allah (Subhana wa ta’ala).
This will save lots of trouble in our marriage and will also save us lots of worries. I know how much time I spent worrying over this “Love you mores” until I realised how stupid I was. This present era, my dear brothers and sisters, is filled with fitnah. Our mind is nagging us all the time about possibilities and enlarging the problems that are not there because Shaitaan feeds on our doubts. Also, when we are in doubt, we give him plenty of chance to whisper to us. So let’s put our trust in Allah (Subhana wa ta’ala) and stop worrying.
May Allah (Subhana wa ta’ala) help us all reach Jannatul Firdouse holding our spouse’s hands. Allahumma Ameen.
Najeeba Sathar
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May Allah SWT bless all Muslim brothers and sisters with happiness in their family life!
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What if you find out your spouse is using dating websites – how do you trust him? How do you continue to live with him? He even asked a girl he’d never met to come and sleep the night. He apologised and that’s it. But I’ve lost trust in him yet We’ve only been married a year. I’m making dua and trying to live with someone you can’t trust who your supposed to rely on… how do you live? I have become of the mindset – only trust Allah but finding it really hard to live with and be married to someone I don’t trust.